Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Safest Place

Whenever my anxiety reaches its peak I always wish that I had a place where I could hide, a place where all my anxieties go away and where I am safe. Unfortunately such place doesn't exist because the only way to reach a safe a place with anxiety is to work through it and get to the other side. I learnt early on that hiding from my anxiety only made the outcome worse and my anxiety lasting longer. Sometimes I feel that I am own worst enemy and that in order to overcome my anxiety I need to fight myself.
My anxiety stems from the fear of the unknown, new experiences and failure, all of which are a part of life and are unavoidable.

There's this song by Echosmith called Safest Place the lyrics are as follows:

   Oh Woah, Oh Woah

You're not drowning, you're not lost
You're not broken, you're not star crossed

Keep ya far keep ya far from what I know
You'll be fine, you'll be fine just don't look closely... now

Run straight through the valley, and into where you want it to be
swim past the shadows
in the words that echo off the streams
If you're lookin' for truth, don't come looking for me
You're better off not knowing
Its your own story, Its the safest place you'll ever be

Oh woah

I was hoping that you'd be fine
Lies unfolding, Cover you're eyes

Keep ya far keep ya far from what I know
You'll be fine, you'll be fine just don't look closely... now

Run straight through the valley, and into where you want it to be
swim past the shadows
in the words that echo off the streams
If you're lookin' for truth, don't come looking for me
You're better off not knowing
Its your own story, Its the safest place you'll ever be
You'll ever be, You'll ever be

Oh woah
Oh, oh
oh, oh

Keep ya far keep ya far from what I know
You'll be fine, you'll be fine just don't look closely... now

Run straight through the valley, and into where you want it to be
swim past the shadows
in the words that echo off the streams
If you're lookin' for truth, don't come looking for me
You're better off not knowing
Its your own story, Its the safest place you'll ever be
You'll ever be, You'll ever be

The thing is there is no safe place when you have anxiety regardless of how much you want to have one, you have to make safe places in your mind the lyric 'Its your own story, its the safest place you'll ever be' rings true because of this. Before I go to sleep I like to make up stories in my mind and often when the goings get tough I slip back into this storyland as such and escape. The other day my anxiety decided to make itself known and when I got in my car I blasted this song and sang a long to it and by the end I felt like I was in a safe place and that I could handle whatever life through at me.

Anxiety can flare up at any given point in time and when it does you need to be able to create a safe place in your mind to get through it. There is no point in locking yourself up in your bedroom if you can't get to your bedroom if your anxiety comes on while at work or at school. You need to find a safe place that you can always get to regardless of where you are and what you are doing. I am still looking for a safe place to hide and ride out my anxiety when it gets really strong, for the time being this song is doing a good job until I can find something more permanent.

Here's a clip of the actual song which is well worth a listen to as the lyrics don't do it justice!



Monday, March 16, 2015

Trying to be Confident

Lets talk about confidence. Growing up I never thought I would be the type of girl who wore makeup everyday yet here I am at 20 years old the type of girl who leaves the house everyday without failing wearing tinted moisturiser, mascara and lip gloss (or some type of lip thing) why? Because it makes me feel confident.
When asked what my greatest weakness is during  job interview I say I lack self confidence, then I say because of it, it makes me more teachable and turns what is clearly a weakness into something positive. The thing is at times I can be confident but when I am people think I am using it to hide something or its the calm before the storm and something bad is coming.
I second guess myself a lot when it comes to things and kick myself for days after making mistakes. I was the girl who used to bombard teachers with questions and get them to explain it to her in multiple different ways because I just wasn't confident that I knew what I was doing.
The first 2 weeks in a new job are hell for me, why? Because I'm not confident. This is what my anxiety does for me, so not only do I feel more anxious in a new situation I also have no confidence in myself that I can do the jobs assigned to me. In my mind there is a record playing 'I can't do this. I am going to fail. I should give up.' and there is no off switch. Then my anxiety starts to act up and next thing I know I am having an anxiety attack and walking off the job never to return (which is what happened a few weeks ago).
I have been told by various people that I have no reason to doubt myself and that I should feel confident in myself of course this is easier said than done.
I may appear to be confident in certain situations but even then under the surface I am doubting myself. At times I am afraid to tell people what I think because I am scared that I will hurt their feelings or speak my mind, as I will offend someone to the point of no return. Sure I can give a public speech fine but that's only because I have a way with speeches yet I don't feel confident holding eye contact with someone I have never met. I will sing my heart out when I am in the car alone but if someone is in the car you won't hear a peep from me due to me not being confident.
I was bullied at school due to having Dyspraxia and being the worst at sport and being clumsy this makes me very self conscious when it comes to sport. I am a ok swimmer yet compared to other kids I am extremely slow when it comes to certain strokes and because of that I hated school swimming (I used to beg to get out of it) because I honestly felt I was being laughed at due how slow I was, same goes for hurdles.
Its funny how something like having low or no self confidence can affect your life in so many ways. I guess this is why I blog, because I am confident in that area of my life because I am not doing it for anyone but just for myself. Maybe thats how I should go about things just focus on doing it for me and if I suceed thats great if I don't I'll keep trying until I get it.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

This Week Vs Last Week

This week so far has been busy and productive which is nice compared to last week when it was busy and not productive at all!
I saw my psychologist on Tuesday and my first thought was why didn't I go sooner?! I see her again next week then I will go fortnightly. We both think my attacks were due more to the environment and not having anyone on standby to help me than anything else but my lack of self confidence didn't help. When I start a new job I tend to second guess myself heaps and be really hard on myself which adds to it. So we are going to revise my strategies while also working on building up my self confidence.
I am half way through my first assignment (for my Diploma) and I honestly feel like its taking me forever to get it done but I just keep reminding myself that as long as I get it done and pass it doesn't matter how long it takes for me to get it done.
My car went to the mechanics on Monday and Tuesday and I have yet to drive it but it has new Tyres and should run a lot more smoothly. I have paid $100 towards him (yes its a he!) from my caring job on Monday (I care for one of my sisters friends every Monday afternoon starting from this week) so that's something. As long as I pay my parents back eventually they don't mind how long it takes me.
I am also loving being apart of a Bible Study, I didn't attend one last year as I still felt new to the church and not having my license made the transport situation hard. I chose a group that is full of people I already know and am close to which helps as I feel like I can already open up to them. I am also the established baker of the group, last week I made brownies which were a hit and then this week at the request of one of the guys I made caramel slice which went down amazingly. I love being able to use my skills for a purpose and its so therapeutic as well.
I have applied for a couple of jobs but I am honestly praying that I get an interview for the part-time receptionist job I applied for a couple of weeks ago, the applications officially close on the 15th then it will probably be another few weeks until I hear something back.
I am at the point in my life where I am just trusting God with whatever happens and taking each day as it comes. Honestly I know God has a plan for me and at the end of the day as long as I am trusting him I will never hit rock bottom.

Friday, March 6, 2015

A full on week

This week has been full on and yet I still feel like I have achieved very little. I went to my doctor on Tuesday and explained the situation and he agreed with me that it is time to go back to my psychologist and wrote a referral immediately. Of course after the appointment I managed to crash Heffron (my car) when I was reversing out of the car park, it wasn't a major crash more I managed to clip my right bumper on another car and Heffron got the brunt of it! I ended up ringing up my Dad in tears and leaving my contact details on the car I hit, the owner of the car I hit was understanding thankfully but it looks like it will be a couple of hundred out of pocket. Of course this has given my father the excuse to book my car into the mechanic and change the tyres.
I am booked in to my psych this coming Tuesday afternoon and it can't come soon enough! For the past 6 months I have been tossing up whether to go see her or not for a tune up so though the anxiety flare up isn't the best I am glad I can see her again to iron it all out and get everything else sorted out.
My new employment agency appear to be good and I have my second appointment with them this Monday. Also as of Monday I am caring for one of my middle sister's friends in the afternoon for 4 hours, I will be taking her out and doing fitness stuff (which will also help me become more active!). Its paid work and I will be doing something I know how to do and there is a chance this could open more doors in the future.
I applied for a great job last Friday so if you could pray that I will at least get an interview that would be great (the job applications close on the 15th of March). Its in a supportive environment, helping people (as a receptionist), 5 minutes down the road, 20 hours a week (spread across shifts) and everyone I have spoken to regarding it agrees that it sounds great for me.
I honestly wish this post made more sense but I am falling asleep here and just wanted to get this all down and update everyone.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Thankful

I am thankful for parents who are understanding even though under the surface they are going 'not again! Not another anxiety relapse?!'
I am thankful for friends who take me out for cake at San Churros.
I am thankful for the kind messages and words of encouragement people have given me throughout this hard time.
I am thankful for being able to go away this weekend on church camp and enjoy the beach and ice cream and time with friends.
I am thankful for Rachel Hauck and how reading her books give me something to do and are a great distraction.
I am thankful for Rikki and how his cuddles make everything better.
I am thankful for the series final of Parks and Rec even though it was hard to say good bye to Lesley Knope and the rest of the characters I have grown to know and love.
I am thankful for Diet Coke and how it helps get me through the day.
I am thankful for air conditioner and that I don't have to brave the heat.
I am thankful for understanding employment agencies even though they have never met me and I'm not officially on their books.
I am thankful to God for giving me the strength to work through challenge.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Disaster

Disaster is the one word that I would use to describe today. It started fine I was able to eat then I decided that I would earlier than what I thought I would just in case well I couldn't find a car park at the train station cue my first anxiety attack of the day, I drove home and was ready to give up right then and there but thankfully my Mum was home sick so she drove me in. I got there 30 minutes early so grabbed a Diet Coke (well 2 as it was a buy 2 deal) and texted my cousin. The first hour I was fine but slowly I could feel my anxiety getting worse and it was then I was handled with my main task filing. I began to get even more stressed as the files weren't straight forward and I battled until my lunch break to keep my anxiety under control and though my breathing exercises helped they didn't stop my anxiety from progressing (looking back ideally I should've asked if I could've gone for a walk to get fresh air and distract myself more). I ended up calling my new employment agency during my lunch break almost in tears and they were extremely understanding despite having only spoken to them once and that was to arrange an appointment for 2 weeks time.
I returned back after lunch and the decision was made that the job wasn't for me and that ended my first and shortest ever job trial.
So once again anxiety has ruined my life and I am feeling helpless. At this stage I am unsure what to do but I am considering going back to see a psychologist and looking at whether it was just the job placement or my anxiety or maybe both.
I feel like such a failure and just want to work and don't want to be ruled by anxiety!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Changes

Today my anxiety was at a peak and I had no idea why yet had this feeling that I would be facing some big changes. After I finished helping Mum at her school I had a job interview in the city which I was feeling unsure about. I managed to find parking (just down from the building) and arrived an hour early and got lunch (it was 1.00pm) before the interview at 2.00pm. The interview went well but that didn't seem to put my anxiety at ease at all! I was told if I got the job I would have to do a one week trial period (paid) then both the company and I would decide whether I would stay on or not and would find out by tomorrow. I got home and changed out of my (purple) dress and into something less hot, when my phone rang and of course it was the company where I'd just had the interview offering me the trial period. Once again my gut feeing was right of course I said yes then freaked out and decided that the best thing to do to get my mind off things would be to go for a drive to get some ice cream.
So I have these concerns about the job that I would really appreciate your prayers for:
  • The hours its technically part time hours (10.30am-3.30pm) but 5 days a week and I am unsure how I will cope with it along with study.
  • I have been unemployed for so long (over a year!) so it will be a big change to say the least so I feel as if I am being thrown into the deep end.
  • Transport is the big issue at the moment, its in the city but parking is expensive though my hours aren't peak times driving in would be doable but parking just isn't feasible. My aim at the moment is to drive to the train station (praying that I get parking because that's an issue there that late in the morning) then catch the train in along with either walking or catching the free bus to the office (its in the east part of the city so CBD but not quite central).
  • That at the end of the trail week both me and the company will make the right decision.
  • That my anxiety will stay at bay and I will be able to achieve my potential during the week.
  • I like to overthink things, so my mind will take something, think of the worst possible scenario then times it by 500 so pray that my mind will shut down that part for the week and even if I have these thoughts that I won't let them rule it.
In other news I bought a car on Tuesday night (well my parents did now I just owe them half of it plus all the other expenses), meet Heffron (because apparently you should give car's a name?) named after the band Heffron Drive as he will hopefully drive me places and it sounds like a good sturdy name. My father was quite pleased that he found such a good car and has serviced it and told me that I need to buy new tires, but for now I am just trying to get used to driving it and not getting honked at anymore (new car + city driving = craziness that should be avoided!).
Lots of changes seem to be happening in my life some good and some interesting! Hopefully I will update you next week on how I am going.