Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Thankful

I am thankful for parents who are understanding even though under the surface they are going 'not again! Not another anxiety relapse?!'
I am thankful for friends who take me out for cake at San Churros.
I am thankful for the kind messages and words of encouragement people have given me throughout this hard time.
I am thankful for being able to go away this weekend on church camp and enjoy the beach and ice cream and time with friends.
I am thankful for Rachel Hauck and how reading her books give me something to do and are a great distraction.
I am thankful for Rikki and how his cuddles make everything better.
I am thankful for the series final of Parks and Rec even though it was hard to say good bye to Lesley Knope and the rest of the characters I have grown to know and love.
I am thankful for Diet Coke and how it helps get me through the day.
I am thankful for air conditioner and that I don't have to brave the heat.
I am thankful for understanding employment agencies even though they have never met me and I'm not officially on their books.
I am thankful to God for giving me the strength to work through challenge.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Disaster

Disaster is the one word that I would use to describe today. It started fine I was able to eat then I decided that I would earlier than what I thought I would just in case well I couldn't find a car park at the train station cue my first anxiety attack of the day, I drove home and was ready to give up right then and there but thankfully my Mum was home sick so she drove me in. I got there 30 minutes early so grabbed a Diet Coke (well 2 as it was a buy 2 deal) and texted my cousin. The first hour I was fine but slowly I could feel my anxiety getting worse and it was then I was handled with my main task filing. I began to get even more stressed as the files weren't straight forward and I battled until my lunch break to keep my anxiety under control and though my breathing exercises helped they didn't stop my anxiety from progressing (looking back ideally I should've asked if I could've gone for a walk to get fresh air and distract myself more). I ended up calling my new employment agency during my lunch break almost in tears and they were extremely understanding despite having only spoken to them once and that was to arrange an appointment for 2 weeks time.
I returned back after lunch and the decision was made that the job wasn't for me and that ended my first and shortest ever job trial.
So once again anxiety has ruined my life and I am feeling helpless. At this stage I am unsure what to do but I am considering going back to see a psychologist and looking at whether it was just the job placement or my anxiety or maybe both.
I feel like such a failure and just want to work and don't want to be ruled by anxiety!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Changes

Today my anxiety was at a peak and I had no idea why yet had this feeling that I would be facing some big changes. After I finished helping Mum at her school I had a job interview in the city which I was feeling unsure about. I managed to find parking (just down from the building) and arrived an hour early and got lunch (it was 1.00pm) before the interview at 2.00pm. The interview went well but that didn't seem to put my anxiety at ease at all! I was told if I got the job I would have to do a one week trial period (paid) then both the company and I would decide whether I would stay on or not and would find out by tomorrow. I got home and changed out of my (purple) dress and into something less hot, when my phone rang and of course it was the company where I'd just had the interview offering me the trial period. Once again my gut feeing was right of course I said yes then freaked out and decided that the best thing to do to get my mind off things would be to go for a drive to get some ice cream.
So I have these concerns about the job that I would really appreciate your prayers for:
  • The hours its technically part time hours (10.30am-3.30pm) but 5 days a week and I am unsure how I will cope with it along with study.
  • I have been unemployed for so long (over a year!) so it will be a big change to say the least so I feel as if I am being thrown into the deep end.
  • Transport is the big issue at the moment, its in the city but parking is expensive though my hours aren't peak times driving in would be doable but parking just isn't feasible. My aim at the moment is to drive to the train station (praying that I get parking because that's an issue there that late in the morning) then catch the train in along with either walking or catching the free bus to the office (its in the east part of the city so CBD but not quite central).
  • That at the end of the trail week both me and the company will make the right decision.
  • That my anxiety will stay at bay and I will be able to achieve my potential during the week.
  • I like to overthink things, so my mind will take something, think of the worst possible scenario then times it by 500 so pray that my mind will shut down that part for the week and even if I have these thoughts that I won't let them rule it.
In other news I bought a car on Tuesday night (well my parents did now I just owe them half of it plus all the other expenses), meet Heffron (because apparently you should give car's a name?) named after the band Heffron Drive as he will hopefully drive me places and it sounds like a good sturdy name. My father was quite pleased that he found such a good car and has serviced it and told me that I need to buy new tires, but for now I am just trying to get used to driving it and not getting honked at anymore (new car + city driving = craziness that should be avoided!).
Lots of changes seem to be happening in my life some good and some interesting! Hopefully I will update you next week on how I am going.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Friday Favourites the quick version

I haven't done Friday Favourites in a while mainly because it takes a whole week of planning and I haven't had time lately with study, my sisters 18th party this weekend, helping out in my Mum's school and applying for jobs. So this is a quick version!


Heffron Drive Happy Mistakes - this album is great but very alternative and the songs have unexpected twists in them. I love Its been my current album to play when I am driving lately.


Greek on DVD - this tv show is addictive and I managed to watch the whole series in 2 weeks. I am so happy that you can get the first 2 seasons on DVD which means I can get my younger sister hooked on it as well.


Australis Make Up Finishing Spritz - I am wondering where on earth this has been and why I didn't try it sooner! You just lighty spritz it on after you have done your makeup (I do it before I do my mascara) and it won't budge. I used this on Tuesday when I had my interview and my makeup stayed on great despite the fact that it was humid and I was dripping with sweat! It also smells great and can be used throughout the day to refresh your face if needed.



The Ruby Circle (final bloodlines book) - This was such a great read and I finished it within 24 hours. I am planning on rereading the whole series now that its finished because I am already missing the characters! It is a sister series to Vampire Academy but its a great standalone series as well and its not directly based around vampires more the world they live in and how the humans see and relate to them.


Echosmith, Bright (music video), I love Echosmith and they just released their next single, Bright which is such a catchy tune on their album and I often find myself singing out loud during the day! Well worth a checking out below, I also did a review on their album here

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

On another level

A while ago I knew this girl, she felt that she could take on the world and that things were finally getting easier after so many years of struggling. She got a job and was feeling on top of things then she lasted 2 days in that job and crashed, she got help and thought things were getting easier again but they didn't. This continued multiple times things would get easier or she would feel that she was getting on top of things and something would happen and she would fall down again. Every time she would say that it was all in God's plan for her and things would get better despite feeling so helpless and broken.
That girl is me and honestly I still feel broken. Its hard especially when you feel the need to compare yourself to your academic cousins on your mum's side of the family. I had to endure hearing about all their achievements in everything when my biggest achievement was that I was still surviving school. I soon learnt that comparing myself to my cousins was pointless and only made me feel bad about myself yet its still hard not to especially when 2 of your cousins are doing medicine.
The thing is why should I feel on a lower level than my cousins? I am following God and still trusting him after everything that has happened (and will continue to happen). I have achieved more than I ever thought I would in terms of academics and have started my Diploma in Business Administration which I never thought would be possible. Yes I didn't get the job I went for yesterday but the feedback was good and the only reason I didn't get it was because they went with an older candidate who had slightly more experience than me. But I was 1 of 4 out of 370 applicants to be interviewed and that's great. I know I am in the right direction and I will just keep studying and applying for jobs until I get something. Sometimes you just need to look at the small achievements in the bigger picture and realise that at the end of the day God knows what he's doing.
I would appreciate if you could continue to pray that I will get a job soon and that my study will continue going as well as it has.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

I am the girl

I'm the girl who can quote the whole first 2 seasons of Big Time Rush.
I'm the girl who consistently bites her nails.
I'm the girl who will sing at the top of her lungs while in the car.
I'm the girl who can read a book in 24 hours then spend another 24 hours recovering from reading it.
I'm the girl who talks far to much and at times far to loudly and fast.
I'm the girl who was bullied consistently through school.
I'm the girl who likes to dance in the rain.
I'm the girl who will eat chocolate for breakfast.
I'm the girl who can binge watch a whole TV series in a week.
I'm the girl who has been unemployed for over a year.
I'm the girl who openly talks about her struggles with anxiety and Dyspraxia.
I'm the girl who has made lifelong friends in the most unlikely of places.
I'm the girl who isn't afraid to dream.
I'm the girl who KNOWS that God has a plan for her despite how it currently seems he doesn't.
I'm the girl who can be her own worst enemy.
I'm the girl who has learnt how to fake be happy and smile even when deep down she is breaking.
I'm the girl who always get dressed and out of bed even though she just wants to sleep the day away.
I'm the girl who draws during the sermon at church because if she doesn't she will zone out.
I'm the girl who can paint a picture that tells more than a story.
I'm the girl who is extremely protective of both her sisters and would do anything for them.
I'm the girl who give gifts to people just for the sake of it.
I'm the girl who talks to herself for no reason at all.
I'm the girl who makes up stories in her mind and one day dreams of putting them down on paper.
I'm the girl who knows that with God on your side you can never hit rock bottom.
I'm the girl who isn't ashamed to be herself anymore.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Look who's 18

Happy 18th Birthday to my fabulous middle sister! Can't believe that you are already 18! I am so proud of what you have achieved in your 18 years and the joys you bring to everyone around you! I love how you are becoming more independent at school and at work experience, how you love to do dancing and basketball with your friends and how you can spot out kids with special needs and become friends with them immediately. Happy Birthday to such a special girl!