Friday, January 29, 2016

Accepting

Following up on this post I felt I should let you guys know that I have put in my resignation letter today and will officially finish up 2 weeks from now. I honestly never wanted to be put in this position but at the end of the day it came down to 2 things my mental health and whether I saw this job ever getting easier, I didn't and when I realised that everyday I felt closer to burning out, I knew this job wasn't the one for me. I prayed about it, spoke to my pyschologist and employment agency about it, voiced my concerns with friends and at the end of the day I knew that I couldn't keep going. Its bittersweet to hand in my resignation and I have no idea what the future holds and a part of me is ok with that (the other part is wondering what the hell I am doing). I meet with my employment agency first thing on Monday morning and we will discuss my future employment wise, I am thinking either something more business behind the scenes based (data entry maybe?) and less people focused or I am open to doing some more caring type work or maybe just taking a break and doing retail for a while. I honestly have no idea and I am open to anything, I am just going to pray about it and see where God leads me. For now I am craving a chance to focus on ReachOut, my studies and myself.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Through Those Doors

Last night I sat looking around the crazy people I call my friends all because of the church I go to. We played board games until late, chatted and just enjoyed each others company. These guys have been my biggest supporters and helped me through the tough times, when I lost my license (can't believe I can type 'when' there!) one of them offered to give me lifts home from work because she worked and lived near me (miss you L!). When I struggled with unemployment they picked me up and took me out for coffee and prayed for me.
Being a pastors kid means that I have had my fair share of churches and its tough finding your place in one. I have experienced small churches, medium churches and big churches at some stage in my life. I have gone to churches where I am not the pastors kid and am currently on my 4th church where I am the pastors kid (3rd I can remember).
The church I am now at has a history with me, at the end of year 12 my Dad left his job as a pastor where he had held the position for 7 years to study and my parents decided to go to this one but I didn't feel like I fit in and went to another one ( partly because I think I wanted to be my own person and not connected to my parents). I lasted at that church for over a year but when the position of associate pastor came up at this church and the position was perfect for my Dad I felt like I should give the church another chance. I did end up doing the whole juggling 2 churches thing for a while but eventually felt drawn to this one and after making it official last year by becoming a member I have no desire to leave.
I have grown in this church and know I will do a lot more growing behind those doors in the years to come. I have been recruited to do Sunday school, help out at holiday programs (which left me with a killer cold and took a week to recover from!) and bake for many events (mainly thanks to my Dad) and each one has allowed me to showcase my gifts.
The community of this church is amazing with board games every Saturday night with the young adults and knowing that you can call on anyone in the congregation when you are down. I am proud to tell people where I go to church and what we are known for (ultimate Frisbee, board games and puns) and know that no matter how bad I am feeling and what has been going on in my life I can walk through those doors and feel at peace.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Such a God Thing

So today was exactly 3 months since I lost my license so it meant I could finally start to get it back. I had spent the past 2 nights doing practice theory tests and my lowest score was 25 out of 30 which was still a pass (you need 24/30 to pass) but despite that I was feeling anxious because my anxiety likes to flare up and make my life hell. I managed to beg my Dad to drive me to the licensing centre near my work because there was no way I was going to survive public transport. I walked into the centre armed with the paperwork and my ID points, I passed a girl walking out with an instructor to take her test looking extremely anxious and I sent a quick prayer that she would pass and prayed that my next practical test would go well.
I walked up to the counter and explained that I was there to sit my theory test and start to get my license back and I get given a number and told to wait. Those few minutes were hell and I began to pray that if there was anyway possible that I wouldn't need to sit the practical test that it would happen and I felt a sense of peace come over me. Eventually my ticket was called and I walked up to the counter, the lady was extremely nice (unlike the last lady I had dealt with at the licensing centre) and told me that she had to do an internal email with my license number because things had changed and there was a chance I wouldn't need to sit any tests. While she did that I continued to pray as I figured if there was any chance that I wouldn't need to sit any tests it would be up to god.
While I waited for the email I presented the various forms of ID required and she called up the main office to make sure my medical certificate was still valid as if you are any form of anxiety medication you have to declare it (it was until 2019) and continued to pray. Eventually the email arrived and I was told that I could get my license back then and there!
I almost fell over because I was not expecting it at all but apparently there was a note on my file by the police chief saying that I didn't need to pass any tests. So I paid $53 and had my photo re-taken for my license and walked out of  there unsure whether to cry from relief or scream to the world that I got my license back. I did neither and instead called my Mum and as soon as she picked up I asked her 'What would be the ideal situation to happen for me regarding my license?' she answered hesitantly back that I didn't need to take the test and when I told her that I had my license back she couldn't believe it, I then called my Dad and he had the same reaction (and he texted a few people tell them the news). I also texted Gem as we had been texting leading up to it and it was also her Birthday and my pastor as he was down on the youth group camp where Jocelyn was as I had no idea if she had her phone or not and figured that was best way to get the news to her.
I couldn't believe it and I still can't as honestly its nothing short of a miracle! All along I was fine to do the time but the thought of having to resit the practical test made me want to hide. I just feel like this is a such a God thing and to be able to drive to work tomorrow is amazing!

Friday, January 15, 2016

Five Friday Favourites

Hopefully this time next week I will be able to sit behind the wheel of my car! Of course I won't have my license until I sit my practical test  (I will let you know as soon as I find out as I will NEED your prayers!) but for now just being able to drive seems like a great thing. My fingers have been itching to grab my car keys for the past couple of weeks anyway moving on, its time for another 5 Friday Favourites!
  • Superstore - this show fills the void that Parks and Rec left. It's such a fun show based around a big store (like Walmart I guess) and what the staff get up to. The characters are likeable, its quotable ("and just like Pandoras box our store must close will it be filled with hope like Pandora's box or Grace? I hope not, if you are Grace's parents please come and collect her!") and it will leave you laughing for hours.





  • Formula 10.0.6 On Your Mark blemish and mark fader - this stuff is amazing and it works wonders! I have always had trouble with breakouts lasting days and I saw this in Priceline and decided to try it and since using it my breakouts (even major ones) last half the time they used to. It used a mix of bilberry, lemon and salicylic acid to help fade and treat marks. You just roll it on at night and in the morning over the breakout and it does what it says. My sister borrowed mine a while ago and loves it as well

  • Hollywood Eye Makeup Corrector and Remover - these are game changers with my eye makeup. I now don't need to worry about starting over if I am make a mistake when I am doing my eyeliner or eye shadow, I just snap one of these and within seconds the mistake is gone. These are also great when you are removing stubborn eyeliner and mascara at the end of the day.
  • Studio DIY - this blog is so fun to read and will brighten up your day! Its full of fun DIY projects and is filled with donuts, sprinkles, confetti, balloons, piƱatas, and glitter. If you are after a new project to try or just need something to brighten to up your day then Studio DIY is it.

  • Fimo - I have been on a bit of a craft kick lately and I am loving Fimo. Its oven bake polymer clay and comes in so many colours and effects (glitter, metallics, transparent). I just love to play around with it and see what I can make and its so fun with something comes together like I pictured. Its super easy to mix colours as well so you really only need the primary colours and white to create whatever your heart desires. It also doesn't dry out so it means you can work on projects over a few days/weeks if required.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Overthinking things

'You are over thinking things' is the response I get from my best friend after I have texted her a novel regarding yet another thing I am unsure about. Of course this is nothing new and its become such a way of my life that I rarely notice it and when I do its because it has kicked my anxiety into gear. After every job interview I had I would obsess over it, the little things like my body language, saying a word wrong or did I get there too early. When I was younger I used to obsess over anything out of routine sports carnivals, swimming carnivals, school sport on Friday's, swimming at school (yes I really hated sport no thanks to my Dyspraxia!) it got to the point where my Mum decided that sometimes it wasn't worth it so I would sometimes get to skip out on those events .
More recently I have obsessed to the point of giving myself anxiety attacks over my license and loosing it. Reliving the moment it happened and I came face to face with a police officer, again and again.
I am currently trying not to obsess over booking the practical test and that's before I even sit it! Booking practical tests is somewhat an art form as its really a lottery system you have to ring up between 4.00pm and 4.30pm praying that they have released yet another round of test placements which of course can be anything from 2 weeks away to 2 months away and its luck of the draw. I would book it online but being on anti anxiety medication means that I am unable to do that so it makes the test booking that much more stressful especially when I work during the 30 minute slot when the tests are released. Of course as I have said many times its in God's hands and I am praying that I get a decent test time ideally in mid February after school has gone back and around 10.00am because being specific never hurt (if you could pray that as well that would be great!).
Then no doubt once I book the test its a different ball game! It's gotten to the point where I am banned from talking about it at work and at home I have to be reminded that its in God's hands and not to stress.
As you can see I obsess over things to the point where it can rule my life, my mind just can't switch off and once again my anxiety is to blame for all of it. Many people don't realise just how many parts of anxiety there is and that just because its not how my anxiety has reared its head in the past doesn't mean it isn't apart of it.
My name is Erin and I am an over thinker and that's ok because I know that everything is in God's hands regardless and its just a part of my anxiety that I am learning how to stop ruling my life.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

10 Things That Have Made Me Smile This Past Week

After yesterday's depressing and honest post I thought I needed to do a post that proved to myself that the world isn't all that bad. I used to do 10 Things That Have Made Me Smile This Past Week posts when I was in year 12 and stopped them from some reason. These were the posts that so many people told me they loved so why I stopped them is beyond me so I figured I should restart them.
Here are 10 things that have made me smile this past week:
  1. Realising that in under 2 weeks I can start the journey of getting my license back! My fingers are itching to hold my keys and start my car, of course I have a long road ahead of me but I am looking forward to getting behind the wheel again.
  2. Finding a cute pair of PJ pants at bras n things on sale and in my size. I love my pair I got from them so to get another pair half price made me happy.
  3. Walking home from the bus in 39 degree heat and having a cold shower.
  4. Spending the past weekend down south with my family and enjoying listening to the sounds of the sea while drifting off to sleep.
  5. Finally buying a new hair dryer after realising each time I use my current one it never sounds quite right and there have been claims that there's smoke coming out of it.
  6. Finishing 2 books and feeling inspired after reading both of them.
  7. Starting the book of Job and realising that despite what Satan put him through he always trusted in God.
  8. Realising that there's a new episode of Saving Hope this week and looking forward to watching it.
  9. Eating ice cream for dinner as there was no food in the house and I didn't have the energy to walk to shops (I did also eat crackers and dip but it was mainly ice cream!).
  10. Coming home to Rikki waiting for me everyday this week and demanding cuddles and attention.
What were 10 things that made you smile this past week?

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Admitting

'What if this job isn't for me?' was something I finally let myself admit to myself today. What if all the prayers that went into this job were for nothing? What if my struggles and tears over this job are worthless? What if I finish my probation and that's it?
I am in no way ready to give up on this job but at the same time I have to realise that this job may not be what God wants for me. I am loosing confidence in myself and so many times I just want to let the tears fall. I am beginning to feel like I am getting nowhere in this job and am letting down my whole workplace. I prayed about this job so much and when I got it, it felt like such an answer to prayers yet I am wondering if this job was just meant to test and let me know that this isn't for me. The thing is I have no idea what my next step would be if I didn't keep this job and that scares me so much. I know at the end of the day that God is in control and if this doesn't work out he has far better plans for me. I guess all I can do is just keep praying and asking that if this doesn't work out he will show me the next step and what to do.

Friday, January 1, 2016

2016 Goals and Five Friday Favourites

Happy New Years everyone! I can't believe it's 2016 already, I swear it was 2011 just yesterday! Hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and those who were lucky enough to have the week off (like me) enjoyed it. I spent the week relaxing, hitting the sales and spending time with friends and family.
I'm not a fan of the word resolutions as to me they always seem to be broken so instead I make long term goals, that are manageable and I can work towards:
  • Get my license back - less than a month until I can officially get behind the wheel of my car and start driving again! Of course I will have to do two tests before I can be back on the roads so I am praying that I will pass the practical test easily (the computer test isn't stressing me out as its all general knowledge of the roads and I am practice it online) and my anxiety won't hold me back.
  • Work - if this seems vague its because I have no idea where work will take me. As much as I want to keep my job I want to be open to the fact that it may not be the job for me and that's ok. I do want to work wherever God wants to me work and as long as I am earning an income and in the right place by God's standards I will be happy.
  •  Understand my anxiety better - 2015 has been a real eye opener for me in terms of my anxiety and how it controls me so I want to better understand my anxiety in 2016 and maybe decrease my dose of the medication I am on. Changing my diet has helped so I want to stick with that and I also want to work some form of fun exercise into my everyday life (maybe yoga?). I like walking but its one of those things I have to really find time to do so I am thinking if I find a weekly class and walk on another day that should help get the blood pumping.
  • Document my life more - this blog is the only consistent documenting I do which is great but I want to have something in hard copy and something that's just for my eyes only. I have an endless supply of notebooks so its not like I have nothing to document in its just that I need to get in the habit of doing it frequently!
  • Manage my money better - I am a shopaholic and while I do manage to save half my pay check (well its half including car repayments which once those are finished that money will go into my savings account) each fortnight yet its not growing very quickly as I keep having to dig into it to cover psych appointments, new laptops (see below) and car rego, maintenance and insurance (just because I can't drive doesn't mean those expenses stop. My car was in desperate need of  a new exhaust system so we figured that while I can't drive it would be good to get that done.). I just want to get my spending under control and try to save as much as I can while I am young. At this stage I am considering maybe seeing a financial planner or advisor but that won't be for a while (happy for recommendations if anyone has any) at least until I am settled back into work.
I have no idea if I will achieve any of the above or not but they are all good goals to work towards.

These Friday Favourites are things that have been loving while I have had the week off

  • HP Pavilion X360- I managed to break my laptop on Christmas eve (it fell on the slate floor!) so I decided to buy myself a new laptop for Christmas (thankfully I have a decent amount of savings). After much research I decided to just stick with a HP as I loved my old laptop and it worked well for me. The only major difference is that this laptop's screen can fold around and become a tablet. For the price it is well worth it and for a limited time you can $100 cashback.
  • Recovery Road - The first 3 episodes have just been released and I am hooked! This show covers the affects of alcoholism in young people and how addiction is extremely real and needs to be spoken about. It focuses on Maddy a teenager who is in denial of being an alcoholic and how she slowly comes to terms with it.
  • Saving Hope Season 4 episodes 9 and 10 - I love this TV show (in my eyes Australia needs to show more Canadian TV on free to air as I am over telling people about this amazing tv show and having to direct them to watching it online) and these episodes were amazing and extremely well done. When a bomb explodes during a charity fun run all the doctors must band together through thick and thin to survive this disaster making split second decisions while coming to terms with it and all those who have been impacted by it. In a world where terrorism is unfortunately becoming a more frequent reality these episodes cover all sides of it and takes you into the crisis and how a single decision can affect so much. Even if you have never watched Saving Hope before I beg you to watch these episodes as they are real eye openers and you will be glad that you did.
                                                                     
  • The Afters - some people do drunk shopping I do tired shopping! So on Monday night I found myself on iTunes and accidently downloading all their albums as I decided that I needed some more Christian music and I loved their song 'What We're Here For' (at least my logic for once made sense. Once I ordered some extremely small buttons as they were cute, I have no idea what to do with them and they are sitting in my craft box). Thankfully their music is great and catchy, if you are after some new music for the new year its well worth checking them out.
What We're Here For has the habit of taking me back to the long weekend in September/October when my church competed in the sports competition, I have no idea why, I didn't play it during the actual weekend but it was one of the songs I listened to driving down and driving home but it brings me back to that weekend everytime.
  • My Daily Thoughts Journal - I bought this yesterday to help with my goal of documenting more, its nice size and I like the prompts it has. There is no way I will be doing it daily (hopefully weekly!) but it will hopefully help me achieve the goal of documenting my life more.