Monday, May 1, 2017

Loosing It

I try to be positive about being unemployed but some days I just loose it, Friday was one of those days. I had had a discouraging employment agency meeting and just wasn't feeling myself, my anxiety levels were rising and nothing was going my way. Thursday I had a mini freak out about saying no to something and knew that my anxiety was rearing itself again and I could do nothing to stop except ride it out and take cover.
So Friday afternoon I let the tears fall, I was frustrated and annoyed and wanted an escape from this reality that is my life. I didn't lash out at anyone (thankfully!) but instead got annoyed at my situation and how maybe it was my fault for getting here, I should've fought more at my last job (we all know that that wouldn't have helped), I should try more to get a job (never mind the fact that that is what I am currently doing) and I should refuse to take no for an answer and stand up for myself (which would require confidence which I don't have). I got mad at God and told my mum how I felt he had forgotten about me because it seems like everyone is moving forward in their lives and that those who are looking for work get jobs within weeks and months (and deep down I still feel that way if I am being honest).
My anxiety was showing itself and it brought a lot of doubt which is still lingering along with feelings I thought I had hidden deep inside myself. I spent the weekend putting on an act that everything is/was fine despite wanting to run and hide. I found myself looking in the mirror and wondering who that girl was. I looked at my diary and reworked this week just so I can hide and get some down time in. I can't help but be thankful that I can use the excuse of catering a quiz night at church this Friday to avoid people, it gives me something to focus on and something to plan.
I am so so thankful that next Monday I have a psych appointment booked because I know that I need it now more than ever just to get over this bump in the road.
A lot of the time its easy to pretend that I don't have anxiety, but then I have these moments and my anxiety flares up for no reason and I am reminded that it's there and that it does affect me.
For now I am just riding out this phase and praying that in the near future I get a job.

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